Man Complains of Stomach Pain, Doctors Find a Large Fish in His Rectum


In this Wednesday, May 25, 2016 photo, a replica of the great white shark head used in the movie “Jaws” is displayed at the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy’s Chatham Shark Center in Chatham, Mass. Officials and researchers from Cape Cod to the Carolinas are looking at responses ranging from the high-tech to the decidedly low-tech as they deal with a growing great white shark population. (AP Photo/Philip Marcelo)

 

Accidents — we’ve all had ’em. 

I once spilled an entire plate of food onto the carpet. A friend of mine inadvertently set her house on fire. 

A man in China accidentally shoved a large fish up his rectum.

Like I said — it’s the tie that binds.

As for that last example, a 30-year-old complaining of stomach pain recently made a splash at the ER.

According to the Daily Mail, he told medical staff he’d unintentionally sat on a fish and — thanks to the human condition — holy mackerel: The finned, gill-bearing creature had glided fully on up through his perineal porthole like a dolphin through a hoop at Sea World. 

But unfortunately, the fish made for a shoddy Shamu — it wouldn’t come back out, no matter how much its involuntary trainer tried.

Out of options, he enlisted the help of surgeons, who opened his belly and Freed Willy — which, as per Guangdong Television — was “quite big.”

Grisly online footage documents the dead sea creature’s removal, which is believed to have occurred last Tuesday.

A nurse in the video can be heard exclaiming, “It stinks so much!”

China’s no stranger to unusual abdominal intrusion. The Mail reports a 68-year-old man decided to inspect his behind after developing hemorrhoids.

His instrument of choice: a metal chopstick. 

Doctors had to excavate that, too.

Back to Asia’s most innovative fisherman, the man’s acquired aquatic animal was reportedly a blue tilapia, which normally spans 12-16 inches in length.

Personally, I think it may’ve been another kind of chum that cha-cha’d between his cheeks.

It could’ve been a smelt.

Or a whiff.

Or — depending on your accent — a sheatfish.

Those wary of his story might even suspect he was trying to catch a tonguefish.

Regardless, thank goodness it wasn’t a threespine stickleback or a sharpnose puffer.

And thank heavens it didn’t have a hook in it.

Some, of course, might assume the crack shot critter was a crappie.

Nevertheless, I see absolutely no way around it — there’s only one kind of fish it surely was:

-ALEX

 

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